Each year the Little Rock Free Press publishes a sex survey. Unfortunately, they publish them in print form and expect you to mail them in (I really need to contact them and see about setting up a web form for next year). As a result, I’ve never gotten around to mailing one in. So, here are my answers to the 2007 survey:

Gender:

Male

Sexual Orientation:

Straight

Age:

49

Dating or Marital Status:

Far too single

Age at which you lost your virginity:

20

How often do you have sex?

Not at all

How often would you like to have sex?

Daily

How many people have you slept with in the last year?

0 (zero)

Is that number similar to the year before? More or less? 5 years ago? So long ago you can’t remember exactly how long ago it was?

The same (unfortunately) as the past couple of years, less than when I actually had a significant other.

Have you slept with a serviceman lately to thank them for keeping us safe?

No

Do you practice safe sex?

Yes

Do you, as the Pope says, “abuse yourself”?

Sometimes

How often?

Once or twice a week

Where’s the strangest/coolest place you’ve spanked the monkey/petted the turtle?

My own, nowhere special, but petting someone else’s turtle at Wild River Country was interesting.

Do you consider yourself a “top” or a “bottom”?

Top

How long must you know someone before you make out? 5 min; a few hours; a few dates; 3 months; one year; until marriage; (circle one)

Five minutes sounds good, but I’ve never had that option

How long must you know someone before you’ll have oral sex? 5 min; a few hours; a few dates; 3 months; one year; until marriage; (circle one)

See above

How long must you know someone before you’ll do IT? 5 min; a few hours; a few dates; 3 months; one year; until marriage; (circle one)

Okay, I’m a slut, the same applies

How long must you know someone before you’ll fart in front of him/her? 5 min; a few hours; a few dates; 3 months; one year; until marriage; (circle one)

Quite a while

Do you like reading erotica?

Sometimes

Have you ever been naked on the Internet?

Yes

Do you get your porn from the web?

Yes

Have you done the web cam thing?

No. It’s never interested me

Rate the following porn topics in level of appreciation from 1-10. 1 being “Hell yeah!”, 2 being “Capital Idea”, 3 being “sounds good”, 4 being “Baby, you so crazy.”, 5 being “Why not?”, 6 being “don’t you have anything else?”, 7 being “I don’t know…”, 8 being “Gross”, 9 being “I;m going to be sick just because you brought it up”, 10 being “Quit scaring me.”

Cheerleader sluts	1
Loving couples	1
S&M	2
B&D	2
White women blowing black men	5
Black women blowing white men	5
Granny sex	10
Bored housewives	3
Booty sex	3
Sex with animals	6
Golden showers	7
Poopy	8
Doctors and nurses	3
Girl on girl	2
Guy on guy	5
Group sex	2
Chicks with dicks	8
Gigantic boobs	6
Tiny boobs	5
huge penises	5
Fisting	3
Sex on the job	1
Foot fetish	4
Leather	3
Latex	3
Poly/Cotton blend	7
Pregnant women	5
Lactating women	5
Sad junkie women trying to make a quick buck	6
Fat people	7
Catholic school girls	2
Band geeks	3

Who is the sexiest bartender in town? (Please indicate where s/he works)

No idea. I don’t go to bars.

Who is the sexiest waiter/waitress in town?

Talia at Sonic on Highway 10.

Who is the sexiest local celebrity?

I don’t know local celebrities.

What band in Arkansas makes you the feel sexy?

Sorry, I don’t know them either.

What profession do you find sexiest?

Dancer (real dancer, not stripper)

Have you ever cheated on your lover while in a monogamous relationship?

No

What’s your favorite Position?

Reverse Cowgirl

What’s you least favorite position?

There are bad positions?

What’s your top erogenous zone?

Try me and find out.

Do you like performing oral sex?

Yes

Do you like oral sex being performed on you?

Yes

Do you enjoy role-playing?

Haven’t tried it, but it sounds like fun.

If so, who do you like to be?

See above

Who do you like your lover to be?

Whoever she wants to be

Do you enjoy sex toys?

With the right partner.

What is your top two favorite sex toys?

Remote controlled vibrator, nipple clamps

Have you had sex with a co-worker?

Yes

With your boss?

Yes

With an employee?

Yes

How’d that work out for you?

Not bad for a while.

Have you ever had sex with multiple partners at once?

No, unfortunately

Have you ever called an escort?

No

What’s your favorite escort service in Arkansas?

No idea

Have you ever been to a sex club?

Are there any around here?

Has anyone offered you money for sex?

No

Did you take them up on it?

I would if she were cute.

Would you rather have sex or watch “Lost”?

Is this a silly question?

Have you ever been faced with that dilemma?

No

What’s your favorite fantasy?

I’m not sure I want to share

What’s your wildest sexual experience?

I haven’t been wild enough